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Excerpts from “Hope is My Absolute”

Excerpts from “Hope is My Absolute”

“Do I have leukemia?” I asked.

On the other end of the phone, my doctor said something. I don’t remember what it was. Denial, I guess. Or maybe shock. Whatever she said, I felt as if a baseball bat hit me in the stomach, making me nauseous. A kaleidoscope of thoughts jumped through my heart. It’s not true. This isn’t happening to me. Why me? Why now? Dear Lord, don’t abandon me. I need you now more than ever.

An emotional roller coaster twisted its way through me. Fear. Anger. The black terror of loss of control.

It was cancer. And it was cannibalizing me, eating me alive from the inside out.

A kind of completion backward principle – death was backing its way in very thoroughly.

Yet as I stood there dying, life went on. The telephone conversation continued. “We got you in to see a hematologist. We’ve scheduled your appointment for tomorrow morning at 10:30,” said the doctor.

“Will I be hospitalized?”

“Eventually,” she replied.

There was probably more, but none of it registered. I wondered how I could possibly make it through the rest of the day and get to the doctor tomorrow to discuss leukemia – my cancer.

A  rush of hot, fierce tears bubbled forth. The kind of crying that won’t stop. That I didn’t want to stop. For the tears meant I was alive.

After a while, mechanical numbness set in. Even though I was dying, I had things to do. Gary – my husband – was doing renovations on our cottage, which was located a few hours north of Toronto. Going to the phone I forced myself to call him.

“Hi dear, I’ve got cancer. Please come home. I need you.” Or something like that. I don’t remember. All I remember was a veil of tears. His tears and my tears.

And so my unexpected journey began!